One for Chuck

[pet-els]

Better than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all
things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

PeterH

[supersparky]

It had to happen eventually I suppose. An original joke that I have never heard before.

Well done Peter.

[Helen Grose]

Well done Peter that's a goody
HTFFBO [emoji16][emoji16]

Sent from my SM-J250G using Tapatalk

[pet-els]

Taxi Driver.
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.'
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab........
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!!

PeterH

[pet-els]

Night Classes

Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now. Paddy: oh!
Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is? Paddy: No
Mick: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; If you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day, Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night classes, you'd know this.
The next day, once again:
Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is? Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The Confessions" If you took night classes, you'd know this.

This time, Paddy got irritated and said: And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is? Mick: No
Paddy: He's the fellow who's bonking your wife? If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!



PeterH

[pet-els]

A reminder that one word in the English language

that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb

and preposition.


UP


Read until the end ... you'll laugh.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that

word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an

[adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].



It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken

in the morning, why do we wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers

UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary

to write UP a report? We call UP our friends,

brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,

warm UP the leftovers and clean UPthe

kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP

the old car.



At other times, this little word has real special

meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP

for

tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP

excuses.




To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed

UP is special.



And this UP is confusing: A drain must be

opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close

it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper

uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the

dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,

it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can

add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UPis used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding

UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.

When it does

not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One

could go on

and on, but I'll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time

is UP!



Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you

do in the morning and the last thing you

do at night?


U

P !


Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone

you look UP in your address book . . .

or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!

PeterH

[Helen Grose]

[emoji16][emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]

Sent from my SM-J250G using Tapatalk

[Newcastle George]

Husband to wife
Why don't you let me know when your having an orgasm?
Wife to husband
I don't like to call you at work.

George

[pet-els]

The Lawyer






A father told each of his 3 sons, as he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you
do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so
it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come,
and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Next, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally,
it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his check book, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's
coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

PeterH

[Dot]

Husband to wife
Why don't you let me know when your having an orgasm?
Wife to husband
I don't like to call you at work.

George

Oh yeah