This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Place your jokes in this section. A little naughty will be tolerated but please no really vulgar ones!!! If you might be offended it may be better to bypass this section!!!
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Dot
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This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Dot »

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
Queen of the Banal & OT chatter and proud of it. If it offends you then tough titty titty bang bang.
pet-els
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by pet-els »

Murder at Aldi’s

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi’s Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.



The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...























(You're going to hate me for this....) keep scrolling down










"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ ALDI"

PeterH
PeterH
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Greynomad
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Greynomad »

Peter,

That’s so bad it’s brilliant!

Gunna steal it for our next Happy Hour!

🤣🤣🤣
Regards & God bless,
Ray
--
"Insufficient data for a meaningful answer."
Isaac Asimov, "The Last Question"

"I refuse to drink water, because of the disgusting things fish do in it"
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T1 Terry
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by T1 Terry »

That one has been around longer than Aldi has been in Australia :lol: I think the last time I heard it they used "Jewels" as the supermarket .... the last one of those in Australia became an IGA back in '98 :lol:

T1 Terry
A person may fail many times, they only become a failure when they blame someone else John Burrows
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Dot
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Dot »

And so far no one has got the new bit so I gather everyone is happy with it :lol: and if you are not stiff cheddar
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Noggins
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Noggins »

Pet think.jpg
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Much that passes as idealism is disguised hatred or disguised love of power.

Ignorance is Liberating
You're not restricted by facts or knowledge.
You're a Free Person and, as such, able to form your own conclusions.
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Dot
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Dot »

But Brian can open the fridge for his roo :D
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Dot
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Dot »

dog books.jpg
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supersparky
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by supersparky »

Dot, have you been looking in Bandits library? :lol:
Cheers
David

David and Terrie with Bandit the travelling companion
2006 Winnebago Alpine
Recently retired and loving it.
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Dot
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Re: This is a JOKE Dog & Cat Diary

Post by Dot »

Bandit and I along with Nigel's black dog had an interesting conversation about what other books they could order to add "spice" to the collection.
Queen of the Banal & OT chatter and proud of it. If it offends you then tough titty titty bang bang.
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