The Really Bad Joke Thread

[T1 Terry]

It was a very busy day at the Pearly Gates and poor Saint Peter was almost worn out from all the work of greeting newcomers to Heaven. Jesus wandered by and, taking pity on the poor fellow He said "Pete, you look like you could use a break. Why don't you go and get a cup of coffee. I'll cover the Gates for a while". The first person to arrive was a very confused looking, very old man. Jesus said "Welcome to Heaven, my friend. We just have a few questions for you before we issue your robe and cloud. What's your name?". The old man replied "Well, I'm not sure it would translate very well, but in English, I think you would call me Joseph". Jesus smiled and said "Well, Joe. Welcome to Heaven. It's good to meet you. You know, Joseph is one of my favorite names. I've got a soft spot for guys named Joe. What did you do for a living?". The old man thought for a while and replied "Well, it's been a while and I don't remember things so well, but I think I worked with my hands, maybe something with wood.". This really got Jesus' attention and he asked " Well Joe, were you married? Did you have a family?". The old man replied "Well, I was married and I had a son, but he really wasn't my son." Jesus looked at the old man for a long time and, finally said "Father?". The old man looked back, for a very long time and replied "Pinnochio?".

[T1 Terry]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "HAIR SPRAY. Restores life to dead hairs. Also adds permanent wave."

[T1 Terry]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[pet-els]

Walking down the aisle...





I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said,

"Get that trolley over here love.

They're doing 3 cartons of TOOHEY’s, for the price of 2."

[RussellB[SA]]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy sod busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

[Greynomad]

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Russell,

Maaaaate!
You are living dangerously!

Run for the hills!!!!

[T1 Terry]

Now that we have need of a new Pope, it should be revealed that a particularly qualified and distinguished man may not be selected, though some (not all) insiders at the Vatican say he is an ideal contender. Here's his story...

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised by Dutch immigrant parents. He attended a Catholic school in Boston. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.

While a POW, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion. After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his age and infirmity, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader.

T1 Terry

[SteveW]

Ha Ha!

It seems to me that the Cardinal elected to be Pope is always the one with the shortest expected remaining lifespan. Each Cardinal aspires to become Pope and his only hope of success is to avoid electing a young and healthy candidate. There is no chance of a young enthusiastic reformer being elected.