Something to offend everyone

[learjohn]

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 kilos including the urn.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now fuck off!'
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A man is in a queue at Bunnings and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him and then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes: I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'
He says 'that’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
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When I got divorced my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[T1 Terry]

A few gems in that lot Love the family driving behind the garbage truck