Mixed Bag...

[Chuck]

SCOTTISH WEDDING.

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


NEW BOOK.

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."


POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!


DRIVE BY.

A bloke broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!!


SCAM.

Just got scammed out of $25.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen


SO TRUE

Before sex, you help each other get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.


PREGNANT PROSTITUTE.

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"Oh yeah, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"


EASYJET.

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.

The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

[T1 Terry]

Donald finally gets Daisy into a posh hotel room, things are going well then Daisy says "It would be happening without a condom" So Donald rushes down to the concierge and asks if they have condoms, Certainly Sir, will I put it on your bill" "Don't be stupid" say Donald "I'd suffocate"

[T1 Terry]

A woman takes here daughter for the first day of school, the enrolling teacher looks at the form and asks how the child's name is pronounce, L-A..... what's wrong with you people, the dash no be silent....

[Greynomad]

[T1 Terry]

So how was the child's name pronounced Ray