The "A Guy walks into a bar" joke thread

[T1 Terry]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[wanderer]

The "A Guy walks into a bar" joke thread

Should have watched where he walking shouldn't he.

[SteveW]

A horse walked into a bar and the barman says .....?

[Greynomad]

A mushroom walks into a bar.
The barman says, "We don't serve your kind here."
To which the mushroom replies,
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
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(Or was that 'fungi'?)

[Greynomad]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar.
The barman says,
"I hope this isn't the beginning of some stupid joke!"

[Greynomad]

An electron walks into a bar.
The barman says,
"Are you over 18?"
The electron replies in the positive.

[T1 Terry]

Three pieces of string walk into a bar, the first one goes up to the barman and orders 3 beers, the barman replies, we don't serve you kind in here. He returns to his friends, the second one goes up to the bar very casual and tris to start up a conversation with the barman, but the barman says, I told your mate, we don't serve you kind. he returns to his mate rather rejected, the third one says, leave it to me. He twists and contorts his body, roughs up his end and heads to the bar, the barman looks at him strange for a moment and asked, are you a piece of string,
he replies,
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fraid not

[John M]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

The wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

"Cos he's thinking of getting married"










Gutsy call!

[Greynomad]

A bloke walks into a bar.
The barman says,
"You need glasses."

[generdawg]

A guy walks into a bar wearing a piece of celery behind his ear like a pencil. This goes on for a week and the barman notices, but doesn't say anything until he comes in with a piece of lettuce. The barman can't take it anymore and sez, "you been coming in with celery and now why all of a sudden the lettuce"?

Simple the reply, "I ran out of celery".

Now where is that exit door.