Oirish moments... (Mr K's)

[Chuck]

I went to the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey & Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other - a dazzling array of the finest cigars & chocolates.

When the Priest cam in I said to him...

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,but I must admit
that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied...

"You moron... you're on my side!!!"



A car full of Irish Nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside.

"Hey, show us yer titties, ya bluddy penguins!" Shouts one of them.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculatta & says...

"I don't think they know who we are, show them your Cross."

Sister Mary Immaculatta wind down her window & shouts...

"PI** ORF YA F**KIN LITTLE WANKERS BEFORE I COME OVER THERE & RIP YA F**KIN BALLS OFF!!!"

She then calmly winds her window up, looks back at Mother Superior, & asks...

"Did that sound cross enough...?"




Paddy & Mick find three grenades & decide to take them to the Police Station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie & say we only found two...!"




Paddy takes his goldfish to the Vet & says...

"I think it's got epilepsy."

Vet takes a look & says...

"It seems calm enough to me."

Mick says...

"I haven't taken it outa the bowl yet...!"




O'Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.

The jury foreman stood & announced...

"Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted O'Reilly, "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"




An old Irish farmers' dog goes missing ... & he's inconsolable.

His wife says...

"Why don't you put a notice in the paper?"

The farmer does.

Two weeks later & the dog is still missing...

"What did you put in the paper?" She asks.

"Here Boy..."




Prison guard looks into Paddy's cell & sees him hanging by his feet!

"What the f**kin hell ya doin?" He shouts.

" 'angin' meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be 'round yer bluddy neck ya daft sod." The guard says.

"Aye, tried that." Says Paddy, "But I coodna breath!!!"




Paddy's sitting on his scuba diving boat talking to an American tourist who had just paid for a 2 hour diving trip.

American asked Paddy...

"Why do all scuba divers always fall backwards off the their boats?"

Paddy thought about it for a cupla minutes before replying...

"Because if they fell forwards - they'd still be in the bluddy boat!"





Mrs Feeney shout out from her kitchen...

"Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "But I'm gettin' closer all the time."





O'Shaughnessy phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He yelled, "Send an ambulance... my wife is having a baby!"

Intern at the hospital asked...

"Tell me," the intern asked, "Is this her first baby?"

"No, this is her husband, Patrick, speakin'."





Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night, on their wedding night, waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

[Dot]

Oh you naughty boy Rosannachuck

[supersparky]

Chuck, I just loved the second one!!!

[bob r]

Dun it again Chuck

Bob

[BillieBlue]

Just love those Irish jokes

[Mickconnolly]

Paddy and Mick work in bed together one morning and Paddy turned to Mick and said “this wife swapin thing is not all it’s cracked up to be!”